A letter to Google

Sup Googs,

Of all the letters you get, I'm sure most of them are from fans admiring how awesome Google is. The rest must be from paranoid idiots shouting about the legality of being tracked, privacy control and all manner of conspiratorial bullshittery. I don't belong to either category, but rather I'm sending this letter to give a constructive response of how to make Google a better, more user friendly place for people to conduct business.

After spending a considerable amount of time trying to figure out how to work Google sites, I have come to the conclusion that it was designed, implemented and tested by feces throwing spider monkeys. I suppose the first question I should ask is 'how the hell did this get by a QA department', or better yet, 'was this even run past a QA department?'. This shit barely works and is BY FAR the worst product Google has to offer (which is really saying something, since Google wave and Google buzz sucked so much it could take the chrome off a trailer hitch).

Want to start with a totally blank page and just put in your own html? NO. Want to get rid of the search bar, or place it elsewhere to center a header image? NO. Even creating a splash page is ridiculously difficult. These are basic things that can easily be fixed, I can't even edit the html. it's nice to offer ease of use access to those who know nothing about what they're doing and are a bazillion years old, but it makes things super difficult for people who know even a BIT about what they're doing. $10 for a domain and an easy-to-build website is enticing, I just didn't know THIS is what I was in for. Even if some of those features are there, they're ridiculously hard to find. The process is NOT easily navigable...I'm not trying to steer a trade ship through a narrow canal in the 1600s, I'm just trying to build a goddamn website.

Oh I know, everyone at Google are super geniuses and I can't argue with that, but I'll make this really easy to understand: I can't conceive that the same company that produces the best search algorithm in the world, makes billions of dollars annually, has a $600 price tag for ONE SHARE and that practically OWNS THE INTERNET made this product that, in comparison, looks like it was made out of Popsicle sticks by an eight year old girl with no hands...

Sincerely,
Chief

An Open Letter to BioWare

Dear BioWare,

I have been a gamer for the majority of my life, having spent countless hours plopped in front of some type of screen plugging away at the latest and greatest the industry has to offer for my own amusement and entertainment. While there have been some massive hits, and some massive failures, it has occurred to me that BioWare's offerings give players a unique experience with polish and detail.

That being said, there is one thing I have noticed about your games universally that amuses and confuses, astounds and confounds...and that is the fact that every character you've ever allowed me to take control of cannot jump.

That's right, you can't fucking jump.

In Dragon Age, you play as any of 3 races (humans, elves and dwarfs) that become great warriors and team up with all different sorts of characters using magic, wielding weapons you and I couldn't DREAM of wielding in real life, and set forth to destroy mythical creatures - yet not one person in this world has discovered (or learned) the ability to jump?

Fast forward to the year 2183 AD - Mass Effect is a character-driven, science fiction, action packed space adventure, where you take control of a team of warriors spanning all kinds of races and species...and they still can't jump. what kind of lame universe is this anyway?

Mass effect 2 has come to us, and walking around the environments brings a sense of familiarity as I recall playing the first game. My hand rests comfortably on the edge of my keyboard. I see a small ledge and I press the space bar, expecting my character to jump over the small ledge, but he doesn't, and another familiar feeling becomes apparent - frustration. HOW THE HELL IS THIS THE FUTURE?!

Even in the Star Wars universe characters are vertically challenged...for all the effort put into the lore and mechanics of how this universe should function, in Knights of the old republic (both of them) characters are unable to jump. This, to me, is a bit odd. I've seen the films, the characters jump quite frequently, especially in the heat of battle, yet for some strange reason, jumping is not permitted in the house of BioWare...why is this?

It seems that for all the effort that is put into details making characters realistic, story elements that make characters believable, and creating massive worlds that are meant to let players immerse themselves in universes of wonder and splendor, the fact that you can't jump presents a serious disconnect between the world and the player. Am I really supposed to suspend my disbelief and believe that I care about this world or its inhabitants when none of them are capable of performing a simple task such as jumping? It also makes me feel as if 'exploring' the world being presented is futile because I can't explore vertically, but only along a horizontal plane.

Sincerely,
Chief