Why I Am Becoming a Dick

Pardon the title, this is primarily about Ebay.

I've been going a little nuts lately, I'll admit, buying up everything I see on Ebay. It's not too bad, as I tend to search for exactly what I want and watch a whole bunch of auctions, searching for the best price rather then doing general searches and buying a whole bunch of things I didn't even want in the first place. Nevertheless, I still manage to spend quite a bit and I've just started selling a bunch of things to get money into my Paypal account so I don't go spending my entire checking account.
But this isn't about my online spending habits, this is about shitty sellers. I myself, when I sell an item, am very descriptive and cover ever loose end I can think of. I detail my policy on bidding, packing, shipping and feedback and make sure to mention every defect pertaining to the listed item.
Some sellers however, if not many, choose their words carefully in order to mislead buyers. They make the listing look better than it is so the item will sell for more. Additionally, they will offer flat rate shipping, which will often be more than parcel or first class because chances are, they are selling off single items they initially purchased in lots. There's nothing wrong with re-selling, especially in the online market, but a few cases I encountered recently are worth mention.

All My Gameboys Have Battery Covers

For whatever reason, I decided that I wanted to collect Gameboy Colors. I wanted to have one of each initially released color and maybe a few special editions. My only prerequisite for such a purchase was that it would have to be an official GBC in decent working condition and have all of its original parts, including the original battery cover, or same colored cover.
For some ungodly reason, the majority of Gameboy owners in the world have managed to lose the battery cover for their GBC. Nearly half of all auctions I found stated that the Gameboy was missing its battery cover, so I would move on to another which either pictured the back of the system with the battery cover or stated that it had the battery cover.
I came across one particular auction for a red Gamboy Color. I was not aware that a Red GBC was made (only a Red GB Classic and GB pocket) so I was intrigued. In the picture of the system it definitely looked to be a deep, rich red and it came with a Gameboy Camera. It had a Buy It Now! price of $24.99 so I figured why not.
A few days later I received the system in an unpadded envelope. When I opened it up, the GBC, with GB Camera inserted into it, was wrapped only by a folded piece of corrugated cardboard with tape around it. I let this slide, then carefully removed the cardboard to find that the system did indeed have a battery cover - a yellow one.
Logic would insist that when listing an item, especially a piece of electronics, a replacement part should be mentioned, more so if that part differs to some large degree from the original. This auction simply stated that all of the systems included battery covers, neither mentioning nor hinting towards the fact that they include unofficial, mis-matched, replacement covers.
Long story short, I sent a message to the seller stating that I would like a refund or a replacement battery cover since they failed to mention this in the auction. Initially, the seller told me there was nothing they could do. After I mentioned the possibility of opening a dispute and a few more messages back and forth, the seller magically found an official red GBC battery cover, complete with 800 number for Nintendo Customer Service. And on top of that, it was not red at all, it was Berry Pink, which I had already ordered and received from another seller.
I suppose I should have done my research and known that there was no such thing as a red Gameboy Color but that wasn't my issue.

Will You Please Send Payment for $22.22

This one really boggles the mind.
I won two auctions from the same seller. The listing for each item quoted a $9.99 flat rate fee from Canada to anywhere in the U.S., however, in the auction description was stated that shipping would be $5.99 to anywhere in the U.S. for each game.
Most sellers will combine shipping, especially when they offer a flat rate box, which will cost them no extra to throw in a few more items.
Both of the items I won were Super Nintendo games: Killer Instinct and Starfox. I won KI for $0.99 and SF for $1.25 for a total of $2.24. Add in the flat rate shipping and you got $12.23, and that is exactly what the invoice in my email said.
I clicked the pay now button as I always pay immediately following an auction (or directly after the last auction won from the same seller who combines shipping) and was taken to Ebay, where I found an invoice for $14.22. I paused, since it didn't match the initial invoice, then figured that they were charging the $5.99 for each game, as by weight. Fine, I thought, that was in the auction.
When I moved on to the next step, I found the final invoice which requested a total $18.22. Now I was beginning to wonder. Apparently, between the time I viewed the last invoice and this one, the seller had sent a new invoice charging me a $9.99 flat rate shipping fee for one game and the $5.99 shipping for the other. Since this made absolutely no sense, I decided to send the seller a message asking what was going on. No sooner than I was able to compose a message did I find a message from the seller in my inbox. I opened the message to find the following:

Hi,

I would ask you to please pay separately for the 2 items you bought which means pay 11.24$ (cost of the item and shipping cost included) for StarFox and 10.98 for Killer Instinct (cost of the item and shipping cost included)for a total of 22.22$. Thank you

I didn't know what to think anymore. Between the email I initially received, the invoice on Ebay, the statement on Paypal and this message I was quoted four different prices for my auction, all amounting to a ten dollar difference!
Needless to say, I replied to this message. But I didn't think that was enough. I first contacted Ebay to alert them of this particular seller and their shady shipping practices. After a few messages, the seller agreed to a total payment of $12.23 and within a week I had the games, but still...

When I Bought It I Was Told That They Were Real

This happened to me today.
I won an auction for a Sega Dreamcast, which included the system, a/v cable, power cord, two controllers, two memory cards and 33 games. Great deal, I thought, when I won the auction for $51.
Today I received the package and the very second I opened it I stopped - every single game in this lot was an illegal copy, and not only were they copies - they were horribly made copies. It was almost as if they didn't even try to make them look good.
First off, they were copied on to CD-R's with blue bottoms, which I haven't even seen available for purchase since 2003. Currently, most rewritable cd's have silver bottoms. Secondly, the center of each disc was clear, with no graphic on it whatsoever, a clear sign that the disc was not inscribed professionally. Additionally, there were clearly printable labels on the discs, printed from shitty resolution images in even shittier quality and I could see the bands from the print head which apparently was running out of ink at the time they were forged. They didn't even bother using printable cd's, which I use for my own music and they look pretty convincing.
And if that wasn't bad enough, the graphics themselves, including titles and text ran right off the edge of the labels. Pitiful.
Essentially, not a single aspect of these fakes was remotely convincing and this seller still claimes that he had no idea they were copies. He said he bought them from someone who told him they were real, which after you think about it for awhile you have to wonder further how, if he thought to ask if they were real, did not inspect them closer which would have inevitably brought him to realize that they were not. Not to mention, half on the games work poorly, if at all. One of the games, Dead or Alive 2 to be exact, has an image scanned from the original game disc printed on it, and its horribly mis-aligned with the label. I honestly have never seen anything like this before.
I lost it. I was a little bit of an asshole to the other two sellers but this one I full on threatened to contact the Internet Crime Investigation Department (or whatever they're called).
As it stands now, I asked him to propose a solution before I contact ebay, Paypal and whomever else I find necessary to contact. Before I sent my last message he had yet, after 3 messages sent, to offer a solution, so I decided to make my own. I told him to refund me half the amount of the auction and send $10.00 for shipping. In the end he will have made only $15 from the auction and I will have gotten a Sega Dreamcast, a/v and power cables, 2 controllers and 2 memory cards for $25.50 plus shipping. I still feel swindled but I will get some level of satisfaction knowing that I was not fooled, rather simply lied to.

Whatever you, the readers, choose to draw from this, I hope it helps you all to avoid situations like these that I have mentioned or at the very least, helps some of you deal with them in a way to be most beneficial to you.

Letter to anyone interested in setting up local rock shows.

Dear Friend,

I live in a one-horse town and I have done lots of shows here and in the surrounding waist land. You can do shows at community centers, firehouses, through schools, at parks (summer is a great time for outdoor show), community theaters etc. Out here we do what we call barn parties. Find someone with a big open field set up like a make shift stage, run electricity out from the house or barn, set up your PA system. People love barn parties and they usually get a pretty good turn out as long as they’re not to far out of the way. I got involved through an open mike here in town. Most business (including Starbucks) will let you host acoustic “shows,” which can provide a great opportunity to meet and network with people who are interested in music. There are lots of possibilities.

Don’t let the fact that you don’t have a local nightclub stop you from setting up shows. Sometimes those places can be very selective, and dominate the scene with one genre, and making introducing new music into the scene that much harder.

Rock, Punk, and Metal have never been well expected by the mainstream. The DIY attitude is an integral part of the underground scene. Creating alternatives to mainstream out lets is part of hardcore. Everyone involved in the hard rock subculture that has sprung up since the Harlem Renaissance is proud to be deviating from popular culture. Defying the bureaucracy of the establishment is part of our collective identity. If we weren’t the innovators of the music industry we wouldn’t be on the cutting edge.

If you want to read a great book about the origins of the hardcore scene in our area, read: “Get in the Van” by Henry Rollins. You can buy the book here at InterPunk or on Amazon:
http://www.interpunk.com/item.cfm?Item=47768&.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Get-Van-Henry-Rollins/dp/1880985764

If you’re not into reading, there is a documentary out on the history of hardcore music (based on the book) called “American Hardcore” You can watch the trailer and buy the DVD from the website:
http://www.americanhardcoremovie.com/

It will give you some great insight into how this whole crazy thing got started.

Sincerely,

-Dara

Dr. Uwe Boll To Stop Making Films?

According to an article posted on JoBlo.com, Uwe Boll, maker of some of the worst movies ever made, stated in an interview that if the petition for him to stop making movies reaches 1 Million signatures, he will stop making movies. I myself have already signed this petition. Why? I had to sit through 'House of the Dead" and it is without a doubt the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life. I wish that film upon the eyes of no one. So I urge you, Sign the petition!

This Will Be Boring or Useful

So at my job (and at does not pertain to a where, since I do not go anywhere for my job, I work from home) I optimize websites for search engines. To some of you, that may sound interesting, others will not know what that means nor will they care. Regardless, this is more commonly known as Search Engine Optimization, or SEO.

Try as I might to practice this on my own website, or at least all those crazy sites like Myspace, deviantART and Fickr to which I contribute samples of music and art that I create, it's difficult to do without spending money.

Ever wonder why you can type a search term into Google's search engine and find something that seems much less related to the thing you're looking for?

How It Works

Google has become such a successful website because the algorythm they use is very complicated, measuring nearly every last possible piece of information on the internet to determine which pages show up first on their searches.

The first step is measuring key word relevance. Based on what was typed in, Google searches its database for those words or that word. These keywords are found on the websites themselves as the following:

1) Title Tags - text which will appear at the top of the browser window and on searches
2) Header Tags - those which are denoted as titles of sub-sections (H1, H2, H3, etc.)
3) Body Text - as pertaining to the header and title tags, words in the body that relate
4) Links - those typicially blue and/or underlined words that take you to other pages
5) Meta Tags - hidden tags that do not show up on a rendered html site

It should be noted that meta tags are not as useful as they once were. This is where Google shines. The google algorythm is key in discarding meta tag information on web pages. The reason being, too many people were abusing the ability to add lots of keywords to a page that could not be seen by viewing the page in a browser. This is called keyword stuffing.

The rest of these, however, are very relevant to Google's searches, as they point to actual information on the page.

The second step is to measure the importance of the page itself. If any of you have the Google Toolbar installed in your browser, you will find a little green bar that measures page rank. This is how Google assigns importance. How do they decide? They have a cock measuring contest!

No, seriously...think about how we measure the importance of people in the world. Basically, it's by who they know, how important the people they know are, what they can do, how useful they are to the rest of us, how good looking they are, how much money they make, what they wear, what car they drive, etc. While this may not be applicable in every case, it should serve as a decent analogy to help you understand how Google decides which pages are important. This is also where the line between ON-site and OFF-site SEO is drawn.

In A Nutshell

Joe Shmo creates a personal website with information about videogames. He mentions a lot of useful things, has a well designed site, properly uses header tags, and his body text is rife with information relevant to videogames. Even his title contains the text 'Video Games'. However, no one else on the internet thinks highly enough of his website to link to any of his webpages. Real world comparison: he has no friends, no professional references and a small dick. Poor shmuck.

Now let's look at IGN.com. They are ranked 7/10 by Google. I don't have the exact statistics for their site, but you can imagine how many blogs, websites, myspace pages, partners, etc are linked to them. Not to mention, many of the websites which link to the site have ranking websites. Real world comparison: they are informative, relevant and have lots of friends, including many famous musicians and actors - like me, see, I just linked to them and I rule!

Google ranks itself 10/10. How selfish, but how appropriate. The main reason for this is...well, let's be honest, there should be no question as to how the most well known website in the world is the most important. But on top of these things, Google has set up a vast network of advertising tools that billions upon billions of companies, professionals and single people use to improve their own relevance on the internet. This is Google AdWords, which I also use from time to time.

However, SEO has to do with the natural search. This is the main list of results that shows up after you type in your keyword and click the little button that says "search" on it. AdWords results show up on the right side of the natural search results, under "Sponsored Links". Sponsored!? Yeah, because people are paying for them :-P

Making Friends

SEO isn't exactly free. So what better way to gain popularity than by buying it! There are a few ways to do this:

1) Buy Links - many websites will put a link to your website for a one-time, monthly or yearly fee, of which a one time fee is the best and buying links from higher ranked pages is optimal, however more expensive.
2) Submit Press Releases/Articles - websites like PR.com, PRweb.com and PRleapfrog.com have relatively high page ranks. For a fee of $100 - $600 one can purchase a corresponding level of online visibility. Sites like eZine.com and ArticleDashBaord.com are free, however some require a setup fee or something minimal for using the service. Both are good options, but the key is to vary your submissions and the keywords written into each one.
3) Buy Blog Posts - thats right, for all you know, I'm writing this for my own firm! But no, I don't get paid to perform SEO on my own companies site, I get paid to do it for our clients' websites. But there is one site imparticular, PayPerPost, which connects professional bloggers and SEO related professionals in order to provide an easy exchange. With these sites, I offer money to bloggers to post about the topic I choose, using a link to a website I specify, with as many words as I decide, etc. Basically, i set the parameters and the price and the bloggers are free to choose. I also set the restrictions so, for example, Blogger.com in ineligable. Sorry!


One last thought here. One more thing that Google serves as is the Internet Police. That's right, if they find some webmaster getting out of hand with their SEO practices and such, key word stuffing, etc., they will not hesitate to punish them. How do they do this? By penalizing their page rank, of course! You might be thinking, how mean! Well, this only helps ensures a safer, more relevant internet. Suck it up. Google PWNS you!



Anyways, now that I've officially bored and/or informed you, I'm out!

Also, don't bother clicking any links in this post - they all go to my Myspace page :-)
Happy late April Fools! (I'm a dick, I know)

Economy not a Problem for Gamestop

While American consumers find themselves wondering what will happen after the current housing crisis, or when gas prices will drop, they sure aren't wondering about how to entertain themselves. According to this article posted on CNN, while the economy seems to be in a slump, video game retailer Gamestop is seeing growth like never before.

The company says the growth can be attributed to consoles like the Wii, reaching out to more than just the hardcore market by offering simplicity to the casual market, and upcoming blockbuster releases like Grand Theft Auto IV, which could net the company $100 million....in the first week. Other big titles in the pipeline this year, including a new Metal Gear Solid game for the Playstation 3, and another World of Warcraft Expansion, bode well for sales in the coming months. In turn, bidders on Wall Street have been buying up shares left and right, pulling the company's shares to $55 a pop...they expect the shares to jump to $70 in the next year.

U.S Dollar vs. In-Game Money

The folks over at Maxim have thrown together a somewhat detailed look at video game currency, and its actual value against the U.S Dollar. The list takes the value of objects in-game and weighs them against their real-world counterparts to calculate value. For instance, In Grand Theft Auto III, one hundred bucks will buy you a Colt .45 pistol, in real life a Custom model 1911 A1 pistol made by Springfield Armory costs $2,500...that means that one GTA3 dollar equals Twenty five U.S dollars.

Of course their isn't really a way to generate actual currency from collecting things in-game, but the idea is very interesting. Other items looked at include the gold coin from Super Mario Bros., The Rupee from The Legend of Zelda and the Gold Ring from Sonic the Hedgehog.

Take a look here!

April Fools and the Internet

Naturally, April 1st is a day of fun on the Internet, where absolutely NOTHING is taken seriously. While radio stations across the nation pulled pranks planned weeks in advance, Websites announced their closure or fake products, and the average individual claimed they had brain cancer or confessed to being pregnant or something just as mundane and average, the Internet was ablaze with tom foolery.

IGN released a fake trailer for a 'Legend of Zelda' film, which actually supports some decent special effects, though everyone and their mother knew it was a hoax, it was still brilliantly executed. Google and Virgin Announced project Virgle, a 100 year plan for Mars colonization. They also announced they were accepting applications for individuals to become pioneers of Mars and travel with the assembled team to start a new life on the red planet.

Destructoid.com, a hilarious yet informative video game blog, redesigned its website to look as though Fox News had taken the website over. They posted ridiculous and outlandish claims, humorous photos and updated consistently through the day. Speaking of video games, World of Warcraft makers Blizzard told people about the new class for the game, which rocks out guitar hero style to damage opponents. Ubisoft and Konami also collaborated, showing a kick ass video of Assassins Creed lead character Altaïr mysteriously placed in Metal Gear Solid 4, which was later revealed to be Solid Snake in the Assassin's garb! This joke was also the first game play footage revealed of MGS4, which was a welcomed treat.

Perhaps the most clever prank pulled, was from acclaimed 'fake news' website The Onion, which simply posted REAL news instead of the fake news they come up with every day. While simple, it didn't stretch to the over the top retarded nature of most pranks and was pulled with dignity and grace (which is the beauty of the prank as most of the fake news posted on the onion, while hilarious, usually IS over the top).

Over at the viral websites for this summer's blockbuster Batman Sequel "The Dark Knight", a different April Fool was playing about. The Websites, made to look like the Joker's secret websites, showed an envelope that opened on April 1st. Inside was the locations of places around the country with locker numbers and combinations for people to travel to. Lucky participants got a free bowling ball and a cell phone (with a cell number etched into the ball for them to call) for a chance to further participate. April Fool indeed.

Lots of fun was had on April 1st, and while many are left out of this article, almost every active community website had some type of prank up their sleeve. Want to share your April Fools day prank? Have another noteworthy prank to mention? comment on this article below, or join the Earjack Forums!

Earjack Forums

Earjack now has Forums. That's right, not only can you leave comments about individual articles, but you can join the madness and create a little of your own!

Earjack's top ten video game remix tracks

It's hard to put my finger on it, but the remix community has grasped me for the last several years and shaken me into a frenzy of nostalgia and delight. From mixes ranging from string-quartets to earth shattering metal, the remix artists scattered across the web display a wide variety of entertaining and mesmerizing music, cataloguing their love for the video game medium through music once and for all declaring that video game music can be more than just bleeps from a device and proclaiming instead that it can be emotionally driven masterworks to which they fully intend to revisit through their own interpretations. The list I have compiled is not necessarily the greatest mixes of all time, but rather a gesture towards ten mixes that point you in the direction of artists deserving of the recognition who produce quality music, and mixes that all-around entertain, above all others.


Housethegrate - Castlevania III - La Hora es Tarde

This mix by housethegrate kicks off the list with Spanish flair. One thing I can tell you outright, this motherfucker can play some guitar! Describing this mix is difficult, but when you hear this rendition of one of the more prominent themes from Castlevania III, you'll notice the original tune has been turned upside down in a beautiful storm of acoustic and electric guitar, featuring melodic solos that are out of this world. Check out housethegrate at his myspace page, OCremix, or his website!


Kid Overdrive - Mega Man II - Crash Man

Throwing some jazz and rock together is never a bad thing! The first album from kid overdrive (Get Equipped with Kid Overdrive) is definitely worth the purchase. this mix, heavy on drums and Saxophone, has just the right amount of tempo to keep your toes tapping. Production values are decent. Tracks are not available online, however you can hear this track, along with several others, on the group's myspace page. Check out Dr. Wily's theme while your there and consider buying the CD, it's Kickass!

Siamey - Donkey Kong country II - Tricky Swamp Style

Usually, the mixes you hear about from Donkey Kong Country are techno mixes of the awesome water theme from the original title, however, Siamey has strayed from the flurry of watered down themes to deliver a truly awesome techno remix from the sequel, Donkey Kong Country II. The mix, heavy on drums and bass, hooks you in from beginning to end, and like all good video game remixes, works in the original sounds from the game into the track's melody! Awesome! Check out Siamey's other tracks at his website, www.siamey.com . HighwindThrowdown and Redemption are HIGHLY recommended!


Mega Ran (AKA-Random Beats) - Mega Man II - Shadowman

from the game, Random has Not many remixers are quite like Random, and he brings his unique talent to the remix community in the form of Mega Ran, a Mega Man II remix album. Using the original chip tuneslaid beats over the songs, added some other effects, then he raps to the tracks. With clever lyrics and a style all his own, the album was released over the Internet to critical acclaim. Shadowman is one of my personal favorite tracks, though the melodic 'Megalude' (featuring the aforementioned Kid Overdrive on Sax) is also a must-hear. You can check out Random at his myspace page.


NESkimos - Mega Man II - Woodman

The NESkimos have been around almost as long as the remix community themselves. Covering all kinds of songs from Contra to Metal Gear, their style is very recognizable. Woodman comes from their MegamanII remix album and it really shows the best of what they are capable of. Since all their tracks are made available over the Internet for FREE, there is absolutely NO reason why you shouldn't be listening to this song right now. check them out at their website.

BliNd - Final Fantasy VII - JENOVA Celestial

This mix comes from a compilation of Final Fantasy VII tracks called Voices of the Lifestream, and captures the Sci-Fi alien feel that came with the original JENOVA theme. Most Jenova-centric tracks seem to branch off into their own melodies, or lose the emotion the original track. this mix, however, hits the nail right on the head. IF your in a techno mood, this track never gets old. You can download it, along with many other fantastic FFVII mixes over at the Voices of the Lifestream page at OCremix.

McVaffe - Tetris - McVaffeQuasi Ultimix

A tetris remix of the highest quality, McVaffe has produced a remix incorporating various themes of the original tetris, used the original tetris sounds IN A SOLO, AND still leaves room for a piano in this brilliant tetris mix. McVaffe has other tracks at OCremix, including another tetris mix, the water theme from Donkey Kong Country and several Street Fighter mixes that deserve attention.


AE - Mega Man II - With the Quickness

I know, Lots of Mega Man tracks...this particular artist needs special attention however, as all of his techno tracks are superbly done. this track in particular is noteworthy for not only using the original sounds from Mega Man II, but also for blending genres together. Midway through the song, it seems to stop, only to bring in a piano solo, then gets back into action. the song ends with a violin solo...did I mention this is a techno track? AE has since moved on to produce tracks for Planetskill (another remix project that incorporates lyrics, which isn't as good to be perfectly honest), but you can check out his megaman tracks at OCremix.

Powerglove - Sonic the Hedgehog 2 - So Sexy Robotnik

The first track off of 'Metal Kombat for the Mortal Man' grabs you and doesn't let go. It was hard to pick this song for this list, mainly because the album itself could fill up the entire list, but what other metal song do you know of that uses a Sax AND a gong? Featuring tracks from Super Mario, Final Fantasy IV, the Legend of Zelda and even DUCK HUNT, this band not only puts an original metal spin on old classics, they make it look GOOD. Crazy Good. They also put on a fucking awesome show, donning koopa spiked armor, throwing Styrofoam swords for the crowd to duel with...the metal madness never ends. The band is currently on a US tour, and you can check out their Myspace for details on buying their CD (WHICH YOU SHOULD!), and their website is an actual video game! Get to it!

Ryan8bit - CastleVania: Symphony of the Night - Alucard Risen

This mix reminds me of playing the original Symphony of the night. Recalling memories is what videogame music is all about. This mix combines heavy guitars and guitar solos with synth orchestral elements to recreate the feel of Castlevania at its best. Unfortunately, Ryan8bit's website is down, his music is still available for download through his website's directory here : http://ryan8bit.com/music/


For those of you attempting to find remixes of great quality, or simply trying to find good music, all of the places mentioned in this list is a GREAT place to start. I know a bunch of you are thinking I left a bunch of stuff out, if you'd like to help, post your favorites or suggestions in the comments below!

Videogame Movies

I'm sure that I am not the first one to notice comic book properties being bought up left and right by major studios and such. After they desecrate every last title we and our parents loved as kids, where will they prey next? Well, it already has begun, the era of movies based on video games.

I will state, for the record, that there are some gems in the mix. The original Superman movies are classic and while not the greatest series of movies ever made, have a certain flare to them. At the very least, they were better than the most recent feature based on the boy from Crypton. Spiderman, if you are a fan of Sam Raimi, was fantastic. If you are not a fan of his directing, there was a level of satisfaction that hit most of us when the translation of comic panels to camera movements was so fluently accomplished. Yes, despite Tobey Maguire not being my first pick for Peter Parker, the cast was well selected and the story was relatively accurate, considering that the adaptation from the pages to the reel can give the producers more liberties with the order of events.

Having said these things, on to a subject very dear to my heart.

The number one movie that old school gamers want to see is unarguably the Legend of Zelda. Although there has been no talk about a script or any plan for such a film, many have discussed the possibilities. With such a potentially large cast of characters, the whole mythology behind the series, an already proven method to present a large, fictional world to the audience (thank you LOTR special effects team), so many different dipictions of the main characters (Link can have any color hair, from brown to blonde to pink, I don't care!) and the most recent title for the Wii proving that link can be a badass, this game is ripe for the pickins. Just for the record, Orlando Bloom cannot and must not play the lead role. Link may not be super slick or mega buff but he is not a pussy. Even if Troy was never made, I have never liked him and regardless of how similar Legolas is to Link, it wont work in my mind.

While there has been no talk of a Zelda movie in the making, there have been some rather disturbing images of a Metroid movie. Now, if you are reading this blog and by some act of God have a major part in the making of movies, more specifically movies based on videogames - and even more specifically, a Metroid movie - listen very closely. I have some suggestions to make.

1) Samus will be Japanese and her hair unnatural in color.

The game was created in Japan, therefore it is only fair to have a Japanese girl play Samus. Also, her hair green, red, orange or pink, because that would be more appropriate for a bounty hunter, not to mention, she was raised by a bird-like race of beings called the Chozo and infused with their DNA which might lend itself to a few non-human physical characteristics. However, wings would take away from her attractive, female body and face, so the hair is the best catalyst to represent her alien side.

2) Samus' power suit will not be as armor, but as a biosuit, exact in appearance to and operating exactly like this, as designed and drawn by Torokun.
The suit was, in fact, designed by the Chozo, so must operate in ways we do not understand but seem to make sense in observation. Also, if her suit were armorlike, it would be comparable to the design of the GFP Trooper uniform (who must also be in the movie, for the record), and it would take away from the mystery of the morph ball. It would also help to have a bio-mechanical-physicist on the special effects team to invent a way for the morph ball to work.

3) Mother brain must not be in the movie; save her for one of the sequels.
While [she] is a key character in Metroid and Super Metroid, information from the more recent Metroid Prime 3: Corruption has officially opened up the box of ideas concerning the developement of and the events leading up to the first encounter between Samus and Mother Brain. With the Aurora Unit unveiled, there are far too many ways for Mother Brain to come into existence to just throw her in the first Metroid movie. There are other reasons.

4) The name of this movie will be Metroid: Origins, and will pre-date the storyline from all games thus far made.
A sequal would make no sense. While we have been given prequals to the first games released, the Prime series, we still learn nothing of Samus and her past. There must be included a history of the personal life of Samus herself as well as the formation, operation and various missions of the Galaxy Federation Police. Think Starship Troopers on this one.

5) The plot of Metroid: Origins will be as follows.
Imagine an all out war with an insect-like race. Space Pirates. A major offensive is organized by the Galaxy Federation Police to abolish their race and restore peace to the galaxy. They sucessfully win the battle but while they are distracted, a colony of minors is attacked and destroyed. It was a diversion! Not only is the largest source of the most precious energy source in the universe stolen, but none are thought to survive the attack - however, one little girl manages to escape. After a few days, she is found by an alien race and raised as one of their own. Infused with their blood to survive the harsh climate, she is trained to become a warrior and fitted with their advanced technology, all the while they predict their own end.

Now, it is a decade later. The space pirates have been out of the picture for some time but suspicions arise. A group of scientists is killed on a routine visit to planet Zebes, not by space pirates but by a creature from another planet, SR-388. Suddenly, the space pirates jump back into action and they want payback! The GFP lose hope as the space pirates overwhelm them when out of the distance comes a mysterious figure in a bio-tech suit, unlike any technology the Federation has ever seen before. This being unleashes a fury upon the pirates, causing them to retreat, but a dragon-like being glares on in the distance, plotting its revenge with its eyes, then flies away.

Our hero is well accepted and invited to stay aboard a GFP cruiser. "Take your suit off, stay awhile," they say but there is business to tend to. They offer money, and the hero accepts. Accompanying the armies bravest group of troopers, our hero is enlisted to help wipe out the space pirates on Zebes. Along the way they encounter Chozo warnings, familiar to our hero. We discover that our hero was that little girl that survived. We catch a glimpse of her without her suit on and she shares a moment with her commanding officer, Adam.

Eventually the team infiltrates the space pirate base and erradicates them, then are attacked by a swarm of jellyfish-like creatures. All of the troopers are brutally killed as their life is sucked right out of them, except for Adam, who is badly injured. Samus, our hero, neutralizes the threat, only to face off with the dragon-like being known as Ridley, the space pirate general. They battle it out as Adam clinges on for dear life.

The battle rages and Ridley seems invulnerable to all manner of weaponry but Adam manages to make his way to the transport. Samus gives him the go ahead to detonate its self-destruct sequence to rid the planet of Ridley and them when just in the nick of time, other bounty hunters arrive and escort the pair to safety. As one last screech is heard echoing throughout the deep caverns of Brinstar, the dropship escapes the planets atmosphere and the survivors, Samus and Adam, look upon Zebes with reflief.

Back on board the main GFP ship, the two are informed of a new discovery. They call it Aurora, a mysterious bio-mechanical being which can store immense amounts of information. Adam, however, is skeptical, and believes using this creature may somehow jeoperdize mankind.

The Potential Future of Soul Reaver

I've heard a certain buzz around the Internet surrounding a future Soul Reaver title, which has raised the question of whether or not Crystal Dynamics will pursue a continuation of the epic vampire mythos. When last we left Raziel and Kain, it was in Legacy of Kain: Defiance, a title released in Feb. 2004. Four years later, fans of the series are chomping at the bit for more information regarding the series and it's closely watched timeline. Well friends, while I do have a little information, I cannot guarantee a game will be released for any specific platform or time frame...I also cannot guarantee the game will be as good as its predecessors. I'll just have to let you draw your own conclusions.

At the end of the development cycle for Legacy of Kain: Defiance, Eidos (Crystal Dynamics' parent company) decided that Core Design wasn't making the Tomb Raider franchise up to par with standards after the last two Tomb Raider games were critically blasted for horrible game play mechanics and graphical issues within the game. They commissioned Crystal Dynamics to revitalize the franchise and thus the Kain games were shelved. Tomb Raider: Legend was produced to critical acclaim. Crystal Dynamics went on to produce Tomb Raider Anniversary, and is currently working on Tomb Raider Underworld, which was this past January (2008) announced for next generation consoles. So where does that leave Soul Reaver?

Most Important to the series future is Director and Writer Amy Hennig, who left Crystal Dynamics shortly after LOK:Defiance was released. Hennig, team leader for the development team of the Kain games, plays an integral part in writing the quality script which the series must adhere to. This presents a MAJOR challenge to any remaining Soul Reaver team still at Crystal Dynamics. Secondly, Kyle Mannerburg, the man Hennig left in charge of the Soul Reaver games, passed away last year. Also, for those of you who didn't know, Tony Jay, the voice of the Elder God in all three Soul Reaver games, and other minor characters, passed away in August of 2006. His role in the game plays a central part in the Soul Reaver mythos, and his death may effect further productions. All in all, the future seems bleak for Soul Reaver. Glimmers of hope have shined here and there however!

According to Wikipedia: " Two unlockable extra costumes for Lara Croft: 'Gothic' and 'Gothic, Lace Shirt' variations of Lara's ensemble. In these costumes, Lara bears a neck tattoo of Raziel's clan Glyph, and her belt buckle carries Kain's Glyph. The Soul Reaver sword itself is also an unlockable extra only available upon 100% completion of the game. There are portraits of Kain in her mansion, which can be found in the "Kain's Tomb" section of Defiance. " Whether or not these are just nods to the games, or simply signatures of graphic artists who worked on both games remains to be seen.

In the March, 2008 Issue of Game Informer Magazine, Bill Gardner, CEO of US publishing for Eidos Interactive, stated in an interview when asked if the Kain games would have a chance at a comeback, "I would Say absolutely. Some of the franchises that this company has that we haven't exploited need to be brought back out before we go look at new franchises. What about what we've got? I would say that Legacy of Kain and Soul Reaver are two that I would absolutely be pushing very hard for." Straight from the proverbial horses mouth, yet not a guarantee that the series will return any time soon if at all.

If I had to make a wager, I would say that while Legacy of Kain wasn't the most profitable software that Eidos published, it was certainly held at a higher standard than most games are, and deserves a second look. However, the fact that Crystal Dynamics is knee-deep in a high profile franchise like Tomb Raider hinders any chance of it being developed anytime soon.

Chrono Trigger a Better Investment than Apple?

According to This Article over at videogamepricecharts.com, Chrono Trigger seems to be a better investment over time than Apple AND Microsoft stock shares. What the hell?

the article explains that a mint condition Chrono Trigger (if bought for 69.99 at release), can be sold currently over at over a thousand dollars. The return rate of the sale is worth more than return rate of both Apple and Microsoft stocks! That's nuts! Kind of makes you consider buying games as an investment. the article explains the situation a LOT better than i ever could, plus it has flashy colored charts and graphs! Click the link for more info.

A piece of forgotten history: Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

In 2002, when the PS2 was still in its prime, 3DO was a company driving towards the edge of a cliff, in a kind of literal sense. They made a string of popular games, Including the 'Army Men' series, which popularized on the idea of little green plastic soldiers being combatants in an over sized battlefield, and the 'Heroes of Might and Magic' Series. While these games were moderately successful, many of their other titles were terrible, and lacked the appropriate sales to keep the company rolling. It was time for them to look in a newer, edgier direction. They inevitably decided to look towards the 'M' rated marketplace.

The company looked toward the most popular book of all time (the bible, for those of you who've been hiding under a rock for the past 2000 or so years) to dig them out of a mound of debt. They announced 'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' for release in 2003/2004 and began production soon after. The game follows that crazy angel Abaddon, who tries to rid the world of the aforementioned horsemen in the middle of the apocalypse. Of Course, when I say 'Angel', I mean 'A white guy in a long, black trench coat with long, black hair wielding dual guns and a sword to match'.

Early Previews suggested the game would be really trying to earn the 'M' rating, complete with gratuitous violence, mangled bodies hanging from ceilings, entrails, and nudity. While it sounds like a much darker, less cartooney Devil May Cry, a lot of talent was rallied behind this project.

First on the list were Comic book artists Simon Bisley (Halo Graphic Novel) and Dave DeVries, who were working on the detailed, dark and really cool looking art for the game. Early concept paintings were released early in development to show the mood and tone the games would carry at its release. Voice talent included non other than Tim Curry, Lance Henriksen and Traci Lords. Michael Mendheim and Kelly Turner were assigned the designer and executive producer tasks, and even Stan Winston was attached to the project.

Rumor began to circulate that the project's budget had already exceeded eight million dollars and there was still a year of development yet ahead. With all the talent on board, this would've been 3DO's last ditch effort to dig them out, but it seemed like all the money they threw into the project couldn't save them from impending doom. On May of 2003, 3DO filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy and closed its doors for good. The horsemen were dead.

After 3DO shut down, a lot of unfinished, yet promising titles were auctioned off to other companies to help them settle debts. In August 2003, 3DO's brands and Intellectual Properties such as 'High Heat Baseball', and 'Might and Magic' were sold to respectable companies such as Namco, Ubisoft and even Microsoft. Unfortunately, the four horsemen stayed in the stable untouched. No company expressed any sort of interest in the project. So the world moved on and 3DO faded into the dust, almost taking the four horsemen with it. You'll notice, I said 'Almost'.

Sometime in 2004, a number of investors, developers and artists banded together to form Four Horsemen Entertainment L.L.C., in order to purchase the rights to the project they still had faith in Too much work, time and money had been invested in the project to let it slip away so easily. May 12, 2004, the rights were bought and handed over to this group to finish development of the title.

According to Michael Mendheim, the rumors about the budget ballooning to eight million dollars are preposterous. According to IGN "Mendheim clarified that the Four Horsemen project at 3DO never reached a budget anywhere near eight million dollars. After 3DO's closure, publishers neglected the title not because it was unwieldy, Mendheim explains, but because in its then-early stages it may not have been large enough. Publishers may have also been unwilling to provide the time necessary to complete the title properly." Now that the product is in new hands, it has evolved significantly. Stan Winston is negotiating toy and movie rights, several comics are being produced, and a newer version of the game is being prepped for release. New art was released for the game, and things seem to be going well for Four Horsemen L.L.C.

IGN's sit-down with Mendheim was published in June of 2004. This article is being written March 2008...so, where is the game, comic, movie, toys and everything else promised from this franchise? We still have no release. The original website for the Four Horsemen game is gone, and a little digging is required to find the new one. Through the Four Horsemen Entertainment LLC website (fourhorsemenentertainmentllc.com), the 'new' game site can be found. The site houses a flash intro, which explains the game's plot with a bad ass voice over, but after that, is nothing. Artwork on the site is still available, but the copyright still reads 2004.

The franchise, but most importantly, the game, seems abandoned. The only thing that seems to leave a trace of the franchise is the relic website, abandoned and stale. Any enthusiasm, or hope for the game's release has been smothered by time. Are they waiting for next generation consoles? They're already here. Are they going to just release everything simultaneously to capitalize on all the angles of the franchise? There is no mention of a comic release, and the movie hasn't even been mentioned and the game is obviously dead. If the franchise is to be revived, whatever existing game data out there is outdated with the advent of the Xbox360 and PS3, officially making the game that was being produced by 3DO dead. The remaining screenshots seem to be the last echoes of a company that has now faded into obscurity...

A History of Violence

The industry of gaming has evolved over the past 20 or so years from a small cult of basement dwellers tinkering with early PCs to a multi-billion dollar industry rivaling most forms of entertainment. Billions of people around the world play video games, and rightly so, as it provides an ideal escape from real world pressures into an alternate reality in which you can have fun, communicate with others, and envelop yourself in immerse worlds. While all that seems a bit much to take in for a non-gamer, especially the escapism part, people have been doing this before video games were even invented without realizing it. Movies and television are other forms of entertainment we use to get away from the real world.

Around 1994 the gaming industry took a major hit from politicians and lawyers, claiming that video games were taking a turn for the worse with the increase of violent content. Under pressure that the industry might fall into another depression of sorts, the ESRB (Entertainment Software Ratings Board) was created. With the creation of this board, games would Carry a label on the front and back of the games with the game ratings, and a ratings description to raise awareness for the consumers looking to keep violent content out of the hands of children. The politicians and lawyers were pleased, and praised the industry for taking action in a positive and informative way. Fast Forward to 2008. The industry has blown up, making companies like Namco, Capcom, Konami and Square-Enix (to name a few) household names. And as the industry has blown up into the media juggernaut that it is, so has the content. Violence is once again the major issue, and the politicians and lawyers are on the offensive once again.

I am a gamer of 20 years, living in a small town in Virginia and have been playing video games as long as I can remember. I've grown up on happier titles such as Super Mario Brothers, Sonic the Hedgehog and the like, eventually moving to M rated titles a few years ago. My first M rated game was the smash PlayStation hit Metal Gear Solid, I played it when I was about eleven. I have since played many Mature rated titles, including all three Playstation2 versions of Grand Theft Auto. I asked my parents to buy me these games because they sounded like fun, and indeed they were, but they only bought them for me after having a lengthy discussion about blurring the line between fantasy and violence, and eventually coming to the conclusion that I was a mature, responsible young man.

I recently read a quote from a certain media hound that said that Grand Theft Auto is training kids to kill, a 'murder simulator' if you will. While I can see why this person would say that, the inevitable question remains : Have they ever played a Grand Theft Auto game? While you can pick up a gun/baseball bat/whatever else and just kill whoever you want at any time, there are so many other aspects about Grand Theft Auto that get overlooked in the media hype. For instance: In all 3 PS2 versions of Grand Theft Auto (GTA3, Vice City and San Andreas) you can hop in an ambulance and save people by returning them to the emergency room, hop in a police car and help the police stop crime, hop in a taxi and collect fares by taking customers to their desired destination, hop in a fire truck and put out fires, race cars (you could race boats, planes and bicycles also, but only as the technology has evolved in Vice City and San Andreas), and many other activities that are only in later versions of the series like hiking, swimming, playing basketball, mountain biking, flying stunt planes, go to boat/car/plane school etc...None of those activities requires weapons or killing to accomplish. The game is an open world where weapons are accessible just like in the real world, but it's up to the player to determine how the game is played, killing isn't particularly the main focus (at least to me, seeing as I do most of the other activities, riding the bicycles and doing stunts being my personal favorite). Of course, most of the story advancement comes in the form of mafia-esque parodies of violent films, but it isn't necessary to enjoy the game by doing those things and is there at the player's discretion. To call all of us gamers as a whole Manchurian children based on the fact that we buy and play games like Grand Theft Auto is absurd, and isn't exactly fair to those of us who can play games responsibly.

Naturally, Grand Theft Auto isn't the only game in the media spotlight, games like 25 to Life were bludgeoned and labeled as 'cop killer simulators', when the media clearly didn't tell viewers that you can also play the game as a police officer? Did anyone happen to mention that the game really, really sucked and no one bought it? I think not. The media paints a pretty ridiculous picture of the games industry and focuses on garnering attention by bringing guests on their show who don't play the games, they just have an agenda or book to hustle. Just look at Mass Effect. At least EA stood up and made Fox News clarify their mistake.

The reason for the explanation is because the positive seems to outweigh the negative in a way, mostly because, just like my parents did, the line between fantasy and reality must be explained to America's children. We live in an age where parents leave their children in front of PBS kids or Nick Jr and expect Sesame Street and Dora the Explorer to teach them to count, read, and speak Spanish, and then walk away and hope they learn something. The children eventually grow up and learn to change the channel and if the parents are walking away how will they know what kinds of television their children are exposed to (especially with all the sex and violence being displayed on network television these days)? The same thing happens with video games. Parents aren't paying attention to the ratings system and are buying content for their children and hope the game is good.

Since 1994, the gaming industry has matured significantly to include games with style, art, orchestrated soundtracks and a myriad of other wonderful things. However, while all of those things are great, violence seems to be the main issue as it was before when the ESRB was created. While the ESRB has changed a few things, mainly to include better and more varied ratings descriptions, they still remain largely unchanged. While the ratings system is a good tool to use to determine the appropriateness of games, it's not being used properly. If the gaming industry has grown so much in the past 14 years, why are they still using policies and methods 14 years old?

I'm ready for change, and I believe children shouldn't have access to this kind of content just like many of the politicians and lawyers on the other side of the metaphorical fence. Fighting and bickering with the industry that creates this type of content (even verbally) is the pot calling the kettle black. They fight against violence in the media, yet gain attention with legal threats and extreme suggestions against those who oppose them? Exactly How can those who criticize substantiate their claims by reading reviews and not actually playing the games? How does that make their crusade relevant? The fight needs to be moved slightly to a different focus. Instead of fighting Against the ESRB, why not work with them? They were created when the industry was in need of guidance, and the industry is in need of guidance once more. It's time for them to step up to the plate once again and evolve with the industry they were created to protect. Old policies from the 90's need to be looked at again and changed in most cases as the industry has evolved into a mainstream medium in a major way. One suggestion I have is to move the "M" rating from 17 suggested years of age, to 18 years of age because some states have laws that automatically restrict the sale of violent content, R rated movies, tobacco and pornography to minors and would naturally work itself out.

Working together is always the best way to get things done. Having played more than my share of violent content, I wrote this to be informative, helpful and mainly to show that not all of us gamers are raving lunatics. There was nary a death threat, and wasn't any intentional slander or mudslinging, because death threats and legal actions against individuals is going to get us nowhere fast. Working together is the only way we can ever hope to accomplish anything.

Videogames and the Media

I know this topic has been beaten to death but even months after FOX News aired its "SE"XBOX piece, I can't help but to cringe at the voice of people that talk like this.

Cooper Lawrence has already experienced first hand the the effects of upsetting the videogame community, via Amazon bashing and countless blogs before me, but she is still an ignorant bitch. Even though Darwin recanted evolution on his death bed, millions of people still believe everything he ever wrote or said. Likewise, (and not to compare Darwin to Cooper Lawrence, that would be just plain mean to him) the damage of that newscast and Lawrence's loosely flapping lips is done, reguardless of what she has admitted was inaccurate. On a side note, we all know the only reason she apologized to Microsoft was to help the sales of her own piece of shit, one-star-rated book, which basically teaches people to pretend everything is alright. She is right up there with a flathead and a wrench. Oh, and her book teaches you how to suck dick, too - it doesn't? Sorry Cooper, I must have gotton my facts mixed up!

You have to hand it to Geoff Knighley - he looked like he was about to jump through the camera and tear off the bitch's head. But he remained calm, kept his composure and pointed out every flaw in her argument. Too bad he was given a total of 20 seconds to defend ten minutes worth of inaccurate stabs at the game by people who never played it (eight minutes of which occured after his short, short statement).

First off, the opening debate, if you can even call it that, was pitiful. I was under the impression that debates were formal, organized and impartial. This was enough to anger anyone with an open mind. Then Geoff is tuned out and they bring on a panel of people twice as stupid and half as informed as Cooper Lawrence. Here's an example:

"Who could argue, possibly, that, uh, you know, Luke Skywalker meets Debbie Does Dallas is a good thing? It's not, it's just not and I'm definitely not gonna let Mass Effect into my house."

Um, I could argue that it's a good thing. Star Wars was a great fucking movie and the only thing that could have made it better (aside from altering history and never allowing Lucas to make three prequels) is Debbie. Or Jenna...or whomever is showing some skin. Let's not forget that just because one set of parents don't allow their kids to see R rated movies doesn't mean that all parents mind. My parents forbid me to see plenty of movies when I was a kid but did that stop me? No. And do you know why? Because that's what kids do - shit they shouldn't! So what are parents to do? Mine spanked the shit out of me, and it worked. I suggest all the parents out there stop insisting that the neworks and companies do the parenting for them.

Here's another quote from one of FOX's highly intelligent professionals:

"We live in a day and age where our children are not always supervised. It's not the days of the Playboy magazine where a lot of moms were at home during the day."

Last I checked Playboy was still releasing magazines and they are still carried on shelfs low enough for ten-year-olds to reach in stores understaffed so that whoever runs the goddamn place can make a few extra bucks. Not to mention, the porn industry has what could possibly be the strongest online presence out of all industries and considering the fact that most kids know better how to navigate the internet than their parents, it's not that hard for a kid to find smut. A Google image search will pick up porn if you type in anything from "teen" to "balls deep". Hell, i've done searches for videogame sprites from Metroid and on the very first page of results were pictures of anal penetration.

One more, for the road.

"...at the end of the day...it's up to parents to control what their kids are seeing."

Perhaps the only decent thing to come out of anyone's mouth in the six minutes between the last word Geoff got in and now, to which the host of this newscast responds, and thus forfietting all hope:

"It is, unfortunately."

How is it unfortunate that parents should PARENT THEIR KIDS!? Honestly, when I heard this, I nearly pissed my pants in a fusion of laughter and crying. Then I quickly regained my composure and looked at some porn.

Let's face it parents, there is only so much censoring you can petition for. There always has been and will always be objectionable material out there because there will always be someone like Cooper Lawrence who lies to themself daily about the way life is. Then when they catch a glimpse they freak out and the only way to make themself feel better about life again is to ruin it for the rest of us by going on FOX news and inaccurately representing a game so she can lie to herself about how many more people think the way she does. Isn't that right? You can justify anything if you get a bunch of peope to share your opinion, but when you can't find enough people you misrepresent the facts, call yourself a specialist, when you're not, and prey on the foolishly placed trust of the American public.

Cooper, you are a horrible human being.

Informative blatherings for YOU!

So the first post has been made, and you are now reading Earjack. so what exactly IS Earjack, you ask?

Earjack is a blog. Plain and simple. We feature blogs on a wide array of topics, from (obviously) smoking legislation, to video games, to (potentially) pornography. As you can see, Doctor Octoroc and myself have been made the first two contributors, and some requests have been sent out for other contributors as well. Right now posts are few and far between, hopefully that will change soon. what separates us from other blogs is the proverbial fat that has been cut out. Instead of focusing on one singular topic we intend to focus on many topics, and not blather on about what happened to us every single day in a feeble stretch at attention.

New images, like the admittedly larger than necessary banner at the top, will be added soon as well as some other nifty things we're working on. If you'd like to contribute to Earjack, drop me a line at Misterobtoons @ gmail.com (without spaces, for those of you who've been hiding under a rock for the past decade or so).

-Chief

Smoking America

I smoke a pack a day. There America, I said it.

I have been smoking for four years, not because I'm addicted (which I will admit, I AM addicted), but because I love it. I love lighting a pipe with vanilla soaked tobacco and enjoying the tingling sensation it brings to my tongue, the rich aroma of vanilla filling the air around me. I love cigarettes. I love cigars. I simply love tobacco.

Since I live in Virginia, a lot of buzz has surrounded the prospect of Anti-Smoking Legislation and how it will affect other states in our nation. In Seattle, legislation has already been passed, and there is no other sinking feeling like a cop pushing you against a wall, taking your smokes from you and calling you a "Fucking Tourist" before handing you a citation. Honestly, how is it any of anyone else's business if I smoke or not? It ISN'T any of your business.

Let's also not forget the fact that America was built off of Tobacco, in fact, it has been the leading cash crop for generations. Dare I say that abolishing smoking is Un-American? According to Wikipedia:

"Tobacco has been growing on the American continent since about 6000 BC and began being used by native cultures at about 3000 BC. It has been smoked in one form or another since about 2000 BC. There are drawings of ancient Mayans smoking cigars from about 1400 BC. Tobacco has a very long history of use in Native American culture and played an important part in the foundation of the United States of America, going back to colonial times and the original Jamestown settlement."

6000 BC! That's a long time. Another thing that bugs me is the Anti-Smoking ads on television that make smokers look like disgusting, unappealing, nasty people as opposed to people who don't smoke. I'm not a jerk, I'm a pretty nice guy but for some reason (because I smoke), I am a barbaric, fat, phlegm infested neanderthal...isn't that slander? I realize that some people don't like smoking, and want to persuade others not to, but don't make me look bad at the same time! I'm a person too, dammit!

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to force others to smoke, I want that to be their choice. I don't want people to smoke just because I do, I want them to enjoy it if they have the opportunity. I don't want to pressure people either. It's my hobby, I won't force it on you. I don't smoke in houses (not even my own), and I don't smoke around children either, because I know that they are impressionable. I enjoy smoking in private anyway.

I was in a restaurant a few weeks ago. The place was packed because it was a Friday night and the buffet was hot and delicious. 95% of the joint was non-smoking, and this tiny corner of the place was reserved for smokers, and had around eight tables in it, out of probably two-hundred tables reserved for non-smokers. The smoking section was empty, so me and my non-smoker friends sat there. About half-way through my meal, I lit up (after asking my friends if they didn't mind) and a woman sat down behind me, two tables away, then instantly got up and flagged a waiter down next to my table. She looked right into my eyes and asked the waiter if there was a non-smoking section. I was pissed! I deliberately blew smoke in her direction from across the table. Now those of you reading might think me a complete dick, however, if she had asked me nicely to put out my cigarette because the rest of the non-smoking restaurant was full, I would have gladly put it out for her. Instead, I got a dirty look and embarrassment. She deserved a face full of smoke.

If I want to smoke, that's my business, and my business alone. The government wants to restrict my right to smoke, which is total hypocrisy. A little while ago, the government was trying to figure out whether or not English could be the official language of the United States. They ultimately concluded that it couldn't, because the country is such a melting pot of cultures and races that it would alienate an entire group of people who didn't speak English...well guess what? By passing anti-smoking legislation, you've alienated an entire group of people anyway! Great job, assholes!

Let's also not forget that local bars and tobacco shops are losing business...most people in bars go to drink and smoke...if you can't smoke IN the bar, or within 50 feet of it, what's the point in going? Besides, booze is cheaper if you buy it for home consumption. Goodbye bars!

Listen, I'm not saying I want the exclusive right to blow smoke into your homes, I'm just saying I want to have the right to CHOOSE. I enjoy smoking, and I am VERY aware of the risks involved. Whether I care about those risks or not is none of your concern.